Intermission

To be honest with you, this little project couldn't have come at a better time. Feeling absolutely crushed (understatement) by someone I care for very much, a distraction is desperately needed. His name is Austen and I was up thinking about this situation for most of the night. I have spent the last several days sobbing over him, wasted tears for sure. A small sampling of Austin's "heart felt" statements are:

          "I love you"
          "You are my guardian angel"
          "You've saved me"
          "You are the girl I want to marry"
          "I want you to be the mother of my kids"


All of the lies he has told me are so similar to to the statements so many men seem to tell their wives. I am starting to think that maybe I'm actually lucky because though it took a while, I realized this guy is a dirt bag before becoming tied down in any sort of way. You see, the morning after these profound declarations of love and commitment comes the inevitable denial:

       "I never said that"
       "You must have misunderstood"
       "I'm not in love with you"

This has become such a routine that I am finally admitting to myself that he is a lying dirt bag. He must be right? I am obviously not dreaming, this happens too often. I can't be imagining these conversations either. If I were to have hallucinated these talks I would hope someone in my life would have intervened and questioned my sanity. If these conversations had repeatedly taken place only in my own mind, I wouldn't be able to function as an adult. If I have achieved that level of crazy there is no way I would be able to hold a job, keep an apartment, pay my bills, bathe myself, cross the street, etc.

But I digress.

My point is that maybe the days of being angry and wanting to hide away from the world is worth it to have avoided what would have lead to more months, even years of loneliness. As painful as it is to realize someone you love so much has been feeding you a heaping helping of bullshit soup so that you would stick around and make him feel better about himself, at least it's better to figure it out before you are in too deep. Though he has betrayed my trust, my heart, and most of all our friendship at least I can walk away without leaving a mess behind. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm not bitter or angry, on the contrary I'm the most bitter person I know.

However, that will definitely help my curiosities involving this project.

I am more blunt and won't sugar coat. I demand answers. So many friends and family members have been hurt by these strange situations one time too many. Why are men never satisfied? So many men have it all. The hot wife, money, house, cars, gadgets, etc. So often they really do have their cake and can eat it too, but it's never enough. Why do you cheat? Is marriage just another way to satisfy some void in your life? Do you marry someone because you actually love them, or because you don't love yourself and hate the idea of being alone? If someone really does love you, and care about you and want to spend their life with you, why can they only admit it to themselves at 3:00 in the morning? And how on earth are you ever suppose to trust anyone else after being physically, emotionally, and mentally dicked over?

Lucky for me, I found someone who seems to be very willing to answer all of my questions and then some. His name is George. We met online. He posted an ad on a website just stating that he was bored at work and to instant message him if you felt like chatting. That is all. He didn't give any more details about himself. I thought what the hell? We learned quite a bit about each other. He lives in the burbs. He has 9 year old twin girls and has been married for 14 years and said that his life was "an open book" and I could ask anything.

Here goes nothing...